Sometimes you turn your cat into a human. (A 7-step program)

The following is a guide to fully anthropomorphize your cat.  Although there are other methods available on the market to create humans from non-humans (i.e. – evolution, creationism) this is the only surefire solution when time is constrained to less than a full eon, or when total omnipotence is not possible.


Step One: Get a cat.
–          Cats can be found in most countries of the world.  I would recommend a domesticated version, but if you’d prefer to attempt the anthropomorphization with a lion or panther, more power to you.

Step Two: Name the cat.
–          This is a very important milestone on its way to human being.  Take a day or two and study the cat, its temperament, its coloring, and choose a suitable moniker for the feline.  Please bear in mind that the closer its name is to one commonly found on a human, the easier it will be to treat it as such.  It would behoove you to stay in the Bill/Ted/Margaret/Joan region and to steer clear of the Snuggles/Fluffy/McGrowly/Mr. PinkPawPads region.  And names of Jellicle cats are right out; no Macavity or Jennyanydots has ever been known to be a full-fledged subject of anthropomorphism.

Step Three: Live alone.
–          For the process to be completely successful, there cannot be any other humans present in your home.  If you live with roommates, you must move out.  If you live with your family, you must move out.  The preferable environment for a cat to become a human is a dingy studio apartment in a major metropolis.  You should be able to look out your window and see directly into someone else’s kitchen in the neighboring building.  These places are not difficult to find and are often well within one’s price range.
NOTE: This step does not apply to those in a committed relationship.  For those with a partner or spouse, you are allowed to live with each other.  But you must be certain there are no apparent signs of having children in your future.

Step Four: Find a frustrating, unfulfilling job that is completely different from what you actually want to do with your life.
–          Try to find something in customer service.  If you are a writer, perhaps a retail environment would be a good fit.  If you are an actor, catering companies or restaurants usually work best.  If you are a dancer, you may want to seek out a yoga or spinning studio and apply for a front-desk position (NOT instructor).  This job should make you hate people enough that you want nothing more than to come home, drink wine, eat chocolate, and talk to your cat.  Which brings us to:

Step Five: Interact with your cat as if it were human.
–          This is, without a doubt, the most important tenet of the seven-part system presented here.  It cannot be stressed enough that your cat should not be treated as an animal, and NEVER as a pet.  Consider it your roommate, your child, your best friend.  Call yourself “Mom” or “Dad.”  Continually speak with the cat while you’re at home.  Remember, awkward silences can exist with felines as well.  Work up your conversational skills so the cat remains interested.  Ask about its day, schedule your meals to be eaten at the same time as theirs, scold it when it has done wrong, give it a bath and brush its teeth often, and be certain it has plenty of toys, bags, and boxes to play with.
Also books.  Cats love books.  They read them when you’re not home, so try to have as many as possible sitting around during the day for them.  And be certain they’re open – cats aren’t that good at turning pages.

Step Six: Take as many pictures as you can of your cat.
–          It is useful for this step to invest in a smartphone.  Also a photo-sharing application such as Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook.  This way you can fill up your entire camera roll with pictures of the cat squeezing into a cardboard box, lying in the sun, yawning, or curled up on your lap, and then immediately post the pictures on the internet so that everybody you know can see them.  Pictures of cats are always preferable to pictures of food.  And the more pictures you post, the faster the anthropormorphization will be.  It also helps if you create a Facebook profile for your cat, so you tag them properly in the pictures.  Share the pictures with your cat and make sure it sees that it has an online presence.

Step Seven: Train your cat to use the toilet.
–          This is the last step presented here, and can be the most difficult.  There are plenty of items for purchase in the consumer market these days such as Citi Kitty, Litter Kwitter, and Kitty Whiz.  Most act under the same principle: litter is placed in a tray that fits over your toilet.  The cat will notice the litter box in the new location.  As the cat becomes accustomed to doing its business there, a small hole is taken out of the center.  Gradually, over the course of several weeks, the hole is made larger, until there is only a small ring of litter around the edge of the toilet.  By now, the cat has learned that it is to go in this odd watery contraption.  You can then remove the tray and the cat will successfully perform (only with the seat down, mind you) on the toilet itself.  Your cat is now a complete human.

Follow Up:
There are known cases where the anthropomorphization has been so successful that the cat will begin to mimic other sorts of human behavior.  The following video is an example of such an occurrence.  Our cat, Franny, has been trained to use the toilet for some time now.  Recently, however, she has begun to progress even further into human being.  She now uses toilet paper after her business is finished.  Next step: speech.

2 thoughts on “Sometimes you turn your cat into a human. (A 7-step program)

  1. Apparently I have an innate talent for feline anthropomorphism. I have been following most of the steps with all of the six cats in the my adult life (no more than three at a time). Great piece. Great video.

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